In a weeks time I celebrate my 43rd Birthday. 42 years of memories – some wonderful and for some I have regrets. If I divide my 42 years in two parts the first 21 has been with so many regrets – the major being not continuing with my studies. I have had more successes in the 2nd part of this span.
Talking of regrets the other day in Sunday Brunch I read about some famous personality saying he has no regrets in his life. How can that be as most of us are burdened with some guilt. We have been bought up to live in some guilt from our childhood. When we don’t fall in line or adhere to what some one asks us to do – we live in the guilt of not making the person happy. We feel guilty about doing something and then guilty for not doing it. We feel guilty at being late ,for spending, for eating, for loving or for that matter having fun.
At this age and after heading a successful enterprise for 15 years, I find myself bound by several “do’s & don’ts “, to confirm to the image of a good son, father, husband, friend etc. I call this “disease to please”. When you have this most of your decisions are based on what others would think of you so as not to disappoint or upset them. Even if in the process you are suffocated and stifled with no breathing space for yourself. Having lived half of my life I want to be myself and not just a good son, father, husband and friend. I want to be me – good or bad.
I am pretty sure its not just me but almost all of us in this situation – being controlled by others in what we think and do.
I might be trying to do the same where I can influence – may be my wife and sons. When I analyse my act with them I realise I am trying to take control of their lives – control through guilt. This way I hide my inadequacies. Feeling Guilty or making some one guilty is a mental torture. When coolly I think back on some incidences I realise how I let the ridiculous episode to make me suffer of guilt.
With my experience of 42 years I feel as long as I know my limits and my actions are not hurting anyone I should go by what I think is right. As long as I am following the broad laws of morality and law of the land rest of what I do is my choice and I should not feel guilty of making someone unhappy with my decisions. Vice Versa my actions shoud not make the others guilty of there life.
Dont forget to wish me on 23rd. By the way I plan to loose 5 kgs in the next three months as part of my first resolution in the 43rd year. I have already started doing Yoga.